I read a blog post today on The Big Girl Blog that really touched me. Here's the passage that affected me the most:
"...once its clear that I’m losing weight (or trying to) everyone seems to have an opinion on what I should or shouldn’t be doing, eating or drinking. Suddenly everyone is a wealth of knowledge on me and my body. Almost as if they’ve been biting their tongues and now that I’ve acknowledged that I’m overweight, they’re letting out a collective sigh of relief. Its almost as if they’re saying I’m glad she’s finally doing something…I thought I was the only one who noticed!"
As a bigger girl, I feel like I've always lived my life under a microscope. It's probably all in my head, but when you carry around extra weight, especially a lot of extra weight, you feel like everyone's looking at you, judging you, monitoring what you eat, what you drink, how much your stomach jiggles and your thighs rub together.
I felt this way yesterday when I went to the pool at my new apartment complex. All I wanted was a little sun, and a little swim. I thoroughly enjoyed the hour I spent there, relaxing in the heat. But buried deep in my brain was a tiny voice saying "Look at all those skinny girls in their bikinis! They don't have cellulite on their thighs, or flabby chicken wings for arms!" Everyone else was minding their own business, drinking beers and chatting with one another, but I felt they were all looking at me, judging me in my tankini, wondering why the whale came down to swim with the beautiful people.
It's terrible, these voices in our heads. I'm sure my skinny friends do this to themselves too, even if, as a bigger girl, I can't fathom how they could think these things of themselves. Well, how can I think these things of myself?
As a bigger girl who's been trying to lose weight for the better part of a year and a half now, one of the hardest things is dealing with weight loss mentally, and what made us continue to gain weight year after year. Sure, food tastes good. I love the taste of cake and ice cream and pizza. But what makes me eat cake on a Monday afternoon, for no apparent reason? What makes me eat four slices of pizza, when two and a side salad is plenty to keep me full? And why do the glances from those around me make me feel like every bite I eat is being counted, and counted against me?
These are deeper issues that I have to address over time. Whenever I deal with stress or loneliness or anger in a healthy manner, such as talking to a friend, going for a walk, or writing out my feelings on my blog, I celebrate. I celebrate not because I skipped the cookie dough or the bread and cheese, but because I dealt with my emotions, instead of burying them with food. When I do slip up, and I eat cake at my desk on a Monday afternoon, I beat myself up and those feelings just balloon up inside me.
Being watched, whether by a friend, loved one or co-worker, is an annoying feeling because we want to feel in control of what we put in our mouth, or how hard we work out. We don't want someone else judging us if we decide to indulge in potato chips and a cupcake. Or two. But the truth is, what really matters is that we're always watching and judging ourselves. And it's those voices that we have to learn to deal with, and answer to, and turn into positive messages.
i know what you mean. once, i had someone very close to me ask "did you ever think about weight watchers?" we weren't discussing my weight, food or anything of the sort. i was crushed. floored, i should say. i'm trying my best to deal with my weight without someone else judging me. it's hard, there's no doubt about that. clearly, in that situation, my weight bothered my mother in law more than it bothered me.
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